My mind is afloat. I have been in such transition. Everything is up in the air. I am letting go of opportunities that boggle me down. I am creating space for what truly serves my soul. I am creating a stable, nourishing, and loving routine for myself. I am in constant communion and prayer with God. I am devoted to my path, understanding I do not know much of anything at all, but God knows. And I ask Him to light the way for me.
Yet, I feel heavy, stressed. I am looking for something outside of myself. I use food as a tool for nourishment and comfort. It’s a temporary high that is fleeting, because I don’t feel whole in myself. I feel defeated. Yet, I hear a voice of comfort. I am beautiful. I do still believe this on some level, even if I have been hyper focused on my image in a negative, derogatory, and overly critical sense. I deserve to be free, and I am. I know this as I say it to you. I am free. I am expressing myself. This, is freedom. This is pure, whole. I am who I am. I believe, know I have purpose. I have strength, courage, wisdom, and beauty, inner and outer, even if I do criticize and judge myself to the extreme. I realize, I do not just judge my outer appearance, although this is what truly hurts the most, to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, to have constant feelings of feeling “too big” and having a sense of rejection of the self. It is uncomfortable. It hurts. It is not what it used to be, but I am in a period of intense pain due to this struggle. My inner judgment is more so just about holding myself accountable to do the right thing. I am hard on myself. I try so hard to do what is right, to stay on my path, to surrender to God’s will. But how can we truly know we are doing well? I lack the internal validation and perhaps seek it externally.
I have experienced emotional turmoil. I am changing, shifting. I am letting go of so much. I am unattached, letting go of attachment, as attachment hurts and is merely an expectation of yourself or another. My mindset and terminology has become whole-heartedly more Christian or Catholic centered. I am no longer woo-woo. I talk to God. I pray to him. I ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me. Yet I also use oracle, though 99 percent of my decks are Christian centered. I use them for messages and guidance. I still experience synchronicity, primarily in songs and numbers. God feels so pure. He feels so loving. He feels like my provider, my protector. As a deeply sensitive, emotional, and feminine Pisces, I resonate so strongly with the loving, nurturing, and protective feel of my God. He is always there for me and always loves me.
I always felt a deep connection to Jesus, and as I look at the clock it is 3:03. Threes are my number for Jesus. However, I have been more tuned into my connection with his father as of late. It feels pure, all encompassing, something I am meant to explore, but I am aware of the divine beauty of Jesus. I love him so deeply. I resonate with the Holy Spirit, with angels, with archangels. I feel drawn to the Bible. As far spiritual I feel guided in this moment are tarot and astrology videos, oracle and tarot usage, and Elizabeth Clare Prophet type ideology. However, at this time I feel truer to Christianity than gnosis or the Summit Lighthouse, though I enjoy Prophet’s books and teachings. I am currently reading her book on soulmates and twin flames. I also am reading a Sylvia Browne book, though I do not resonate with her concept of a Mother and Father God. I believe in God the Father.
I realize, I am in a state of retreat and perceived regression, presenting almost as a form of depression, but I have so much to be grateful for. I am sitting here, writing to you out of the pureness and passion of my heart. I have more of an awareness of what I am here to do, and I have so much gratitude in truth for this life and this journey and mission. I am so very blessed. At the end of the day, this too shall pass, and I have a feeling that it will be sooner rather than later. I am ready to let go of the past, and I am committed to moving forward. It has been a beautiful road, hard at times, but beautiful. I have met and connected with beautiful souls. I live a blessed life. There is no other way to put it.
I wish for you, everything you wish for yourself. I wish for your dreams to come true. I wish for you to experience beauty everyday. I wish for you to forgive and to let go of the hardness of your heart, to let love in, to let it fill you and overcome you, until your cup is full then overflowing. You are in the highest expression of yourself. Follow your passion and your joy. Follow what lights your soul and fills your heart. Be true to you. Ask for help when you need it. Give when you are feeling down. It feels SO good to put a smile on another’s face. You are so worthy, and we are in this together. I love you.