A few days ago, I met with a dear friend and spiritual advisor of mine, Lynn. She does beautiful work, mostly focusing on young women such as myself. In session, she works intuitively with her wealth of knowledge as well as whatever is brought through by Spirit. Throughout session, I felt so very in sync with all she had to say and teach me. It is no wonder, but a great blessing regardless, that we work together and found one another. When I went to meet with her, I had a few topics in mind. On one hand, I had a question about family relationships, but on the other hand and more importantly to me, I wanted to know about my mission, my life’s path, and how to continue to move forward. Am I on the right track? What am I missing?
Our session was beautiful as a whole. I learned so much. But I left the session with one thing in particular that I knew was time for me to deal with head on. If I focused on this and dealt with it, I would be moving straight ahead with my mission, making myself a clearer channel to help clients. I am talking about soul healing, fragmentation, and clearing dense energy to make space for new energy. The concept of “energy” has been heavy on my mind lately. It makes sense from my highly logical mind; the more you clear out old, dense vibrations, the more you can hold space for higher energies and frequencies. I have been clearing on a regular basis, whether through prayer, meditation, positive affirmations, or the Violet Flame, an etheric flame which burns away old energies and transmutes them to higher frequencies. This process I have felt very passionate about and knew it to be a big part of my spiritual work as well as an important component to working with clients. Well, Lynn picked up on all of this clearing I have been doing. She recognized a lot of my inner work, but there was more to be done, she said. It was time for me to go deeper, deeper still into my subconscious. As one trauma resurfaces and is dealt with, another one will pop its nasty head.
It made sense to me. I “feel” I have more work to do (we always do), but this lends a hand to this belief and pointed me into the direction that needs the most attention. In the moments of our discussion regarding this, what instantly came to mind were my sufferings from my insecurities that I can trace back to kindergarten. Since then, I have dealt with an internal battle with my weight and how I perceive myself to look, being very down on myself, and at one point suffering from anorexia and bulimia. I have come a long way, but it is still a constant, daily struggle that is only holding me back from performing my life’s work to the best of my capabilities. I have done so much work in many other areas of my life, but I always had this issue on the backburner. At times it was manageable, at times hiding in the background, but it was still “there” and a substantial part of my identity and day to day life. It is time for me to truly and finally take this issue by the horns and let it go. Perhaps this issue is not holding me back. Perhaps, instead, it is a frequency I chose to battle with so that I can truly, wholly overcome it and lend my experience into helping other people. In this way, it is a blessing.
In kindergarten, I remember sitting on the floor with a friend. We were grabbing the miniscule fat present on our tiny, little legs. “I want to lose all of this,” I told my friend. Where did I learn this concept? How did I even have an understanding of weight loss and “fat”? Where did I learn to not love myself and my body? Over the years, my insecurities transformed into various ideas and concepts. I starved myself. I threw up. I binge ate. I judged myself uncontrollably and felt shame and disgust at what I saw in the mirror. All of this was stemming from the same subconscious root of what I am now realizing to be non-acceptance. I did not accept myself or my God given form. We are all blessed with beautiful vehicles to house our souls for this experience on Earth. Through the pain that arises from living on this planet, we forget our Divine nature. We forget that we are not our bodies in itself. However, our bodies have chosen to accompany us for this Earth-bound journey, where we all have much work to be done. They are our partners in crime, so to speak. What a beautiful blessing that is.
Sometimes I think this is my way of struggling to be human. Perhaps my soul is not innately human, so it is a struggle to adapt fully to being here. Perhaps, but perhaps I can overcome this struggle. Perhaps that is, in part, precisely why I am here in the first place, so that I can lend my hand at redefining and rediscovering true acceptance of ourselves. We do not have to struggle. We do not have to live forever in pain. We can, however, go head first into our pain, pour all our love into it, and come out the other end, reborn and renewed. It is through the greatest pain, the pain of labor and birthing, that the greatest beauty is born, a newborn baby, life itself. I thank another mentor, Lee from Relationship Reinvented, for that analogy that has always stuck with me. Perhaps it is an analogy for the human experience. Through the greatest pain, comes rebirth and the greatest love of all.
So, it is clear we must dive head first into our pain. We must experience the ins and outs of our pain and that which weighs us down. We must cleanse our souls, reach every corner and edge, for us to truly transform this pain into the light. Over the days since I met with Lynn, I have been caught up with this topic and about what to really do to move forward and deal with this fragmented soul aspect of mine. Some ideas came to mind, such as journaling. I can journal out any memories I have and any patterns I pick up on. I can meditate upon the topic of simply asking what to do. I have a special bond with oracle cards, and I can use them as well to touch upon any subconscious insight, as oracle cards work with our subconscious. It is important to note that Lynn stressed to me the importance of coming from my heart center. This will help me infinitely with clients, she said. I have the logical side down, she told me. Now, it is time to truly act from my heart. I have so much love to give and so much love inside me. Love is one of my core values. It is almost a paradox that I have to learn to act from my heart, but I know it to be true. I am too much in my mind, which is after all just another human construct.
Love is the highest of vibrations. In this way, all can be accomplished and healed through love. It is a process, however, something quite difficult to work at. The more you love yourself, the more you will find aspects of yourself that need love, calling you to go deeper and deeper, around and around. True love does not judge. It does not harm. It does not shout. True love is a shoulder to lean on as you cry. It is a mother holding her aching child. It is a candle in the darkness, reflecting back the shadow of the dark but lighting up your way into the terrors, holding your hand as you move through the darkness and out the other side.
It is readily said among the eating disorder recovery community that one does not ever fully heal from an eating disorder. Rather, the thoughts are always there; you just learn to live with your disorder and manage it. I refuse to abide by this statement. You CAN fully heal and love yourself. It requires deep, attentive soul work, but it is absolutely possible if only you are committed to the process and believe it to be an achievable reality. Whatever you are going through, whatever pain you are facing, you have every ability within your soul and every cell of your body to recover, to learn much about yourself in the process, and to come out an even more powerful expression of love. Do not limit yourself. Do not use this human thing we call a mind to set boundaries on your progress and achievements. At you very core, you are the purest expression of love. You are simply relearning who you can be and who you truly are. You have the power to transform.