My journey is unique, but it may not be unlike yours. A little over two years ago, I was still “asleep” in the spiritual sense, but I had an overhauled sense of finding myself and my voice. I discovered the importance of finding out who I was. I was about to graduate from college when I found myself in the midst of an intensely triggering karmic soulmate relationship. My soul could not handle the energy. So I ran, all the way to Europe for a nutrition-related internship. I lied to myself. I wanted to be single while away. I didn’t want the feelings of romantic attachment to someone back home. I cut off all communication and went on my way. While abroad, I explored and made the very best of my time. But, energy does not lie. I was depressed, deeply, deeply depressed. I was hiding from a true connection, a connection I could not explain logically that was filled with synchronicities upon synchronicities, a word I did not even understand at the time. In the last days of my internship, I broke down to one of my new friends. My story touched her so much that even she started to cry. “What are you going to do when you get home?” she asked me with purpose, knowing what I had to do. “I will contact him,” I said.
I returned home, but the depression did not cease. I contacted my karmic flame but only with light, on-the-surface conversation. I was still afraid. I was looking for HIM to make some grand gesture, but I was only truly scared to come clean and stand in my truth. A couple months passed, and I finally, truly broke down. I contacted him, this time in truth. I let him know how I felt. He was grateful for the contact and for the honesty, but he was with someone else, he told me. I already knew that was coming, and I was okay with it. Perhaps if I were honest with him (and myself) sooner, things would be different. Alas, that was not my journey, and I was okay with laying in the bed I had made for myself. I chose to instead focus on the progress I had made. I never before had made such an intensely, unexplainable connection. It triggered me to open up emotionally, to deal with my pain. During the span of us being together, I would cry. I felt I was going crazy, an all too familiar feeling in the spiritual community I have come to learn. I journaled out my feelings. Memories of despair and deep pain resurfaced after years of suppression. He was in my life for a reason, and this was it. I did not know at the time the reason would also be a season, but what a beautiful season of self-discovery it was.
I surrendered to not being with him. I started becoming interested in history. I never was interested in the topic, and it was not my strong suite at school (I have come to understand why). I was so heavily focused in learning about myself and growing as a person that the search from within carried to the without. Synchronistically, I discovered a miniseries The Kennedys. In high school, learning about John F. Kennedy was the one history-related topic I found interesting and easy to recall. Watching the series, I was hooked. It triggered something in me to delve deeper. I was so fascinated by Mr. Kennedy and his whole family. I wanted to know all that I could. Little did I know this would be my first experience of going down the rabbit hole. Conspiracy theories. The world was not as it seemed. The government actually doesn’t have our best interests at heart?
But what was the point? My world was turned upside down, but now what? During this time, I was living alone in a small apartment. It was my mom’s apartment, but she lived fulltime with her boyfriend. The apartment I could only explain as toxic. The environment was toxic. The upstairs lady was toxic. At least to my present state of being and going along what I did not know at the time to be a spiritual awakening, it was all very toxic. I moved out, into the house where my mother had been staying, her boyfriend’s house. It was in the middle of the woods, deep into nature. It was a change of scenery to truly nourish my soul. The water was fresh from a well, no city, fluoride-infiltrated water. I was continuing to open up to the world, on a never-ending search for truth. One day, I was lying in bed, and a documentary caught my eye. Montage of Heck, it was called, about the late (and great) Kurt Cobain, the lead singer of NIRVANA. At the time, I was not even sure why I was interested. I had never consciously listened to NIRVANA. I knew nothing about Kurt. Alas, energy does not lie. I watched the film, and I was instantly hooked, not on the film itself, but on Kurt, as a person, as a soul. I went down another rabbit hole with the details surrounding his own death. Beyond that, I could not stop researching. I developed such a love for this person I had never met. Then, the synchronicities started to hit. His birthday was February 20. Mine is the 22nd. Two overly sensitive Pisces. I started to see the numbers 220 and 222 everywhere I went, and it only intensified from there. The more I watched videos and interviews of him, the more I felt connected to him. The more I felt I knew him. His journals are published, and I could not wait to get my hands on them and delve deeper into his soul. I recognized him as a spiritual being. He was interested in religions of all kinds, but personally, he resonated with Buddhist and Jainist ideas. Kurt triggered me. First it was my karmic soulmate to trigger all my suppressed emotions to surface, then it was John F. Kennedy to trigger me into a discovery for government and fraudulent related truths, and then it was Kurt Cobain, to trigger me into a full blown spiritual awakening. I had all these ideas I could not find words to. I had no idea what was going on. It is no coincidence that at this same time, I found myself in the hospital with burst uterine cysts. The cysts had lied dormant and undiagnosed for years, but with this great influx of spiritual energy came the release of all that no longer served me, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), a condition I always intuitively knew myself to have since early high school, as I had not had a regular period since 8th grade along with a host of other related symptoms. Since my short hospital stint, I have had a monthly period ever since and have completely cured myself of any and all symptoms including my unwanted facial acne. Was this coexistence of a spiritual awakening and an intense physical experience my kundalini awakening?
Although my spiritual awakening put me into a state of grate confusion at first (I even labeled myself a Hindu for all of a few days; I just needed to put words to what I was experiencing.), I started to find my footing. A grand milestone for me was (synchronistically, of course) finding Bernard Alvarez on YouTube. He was the first of many spiritual teachers I would find and resonates with me still to this day. I remember having the first of many “a-ha” moments as I listened to him speak. “Someone who speaks my language!” I thought to myself. It was early last summer during this time. I went down many a rabbit hole, but the world was starting to make sense. All the darkness I had discovered earlier seemed to have a place. All was in order. The world was not dark and scary. I was learning that my place was to be a beacon of light in this world. I learned so much, at first about spiritual, “woo-woo” concepts (angels, aliens, mermaids, ascended masters, you name it), but then about myself.
And this takes me to where I am today. The spiritual journey is not about learning the mystical and reciting a list of ascended masters and archangels. Rather, it is about learning about yourself. It is about learning we are all connected, the Law of One, if you will. It is about learning that the judgment you place upon another has nothing to do with “truth” and is not based in reality. Rather, it has everything to do with you and your own journey. It is about looking straight into the mirror and confronting your demons, owning them, and loving them still so that they may be let go. It is about surrendering. It is about confronting your past and loving your flaws until you are no longer interested in looking back and every bit as interested in standing still, in the beauty of the moment, with one eye open for the future.
I started this blog entry with the intention of elating how to trust your instincts as you are opening up spiritually. I remember while I was spiritually awakening and opening up, I had a whole host of information come at me, some that resonated, some that did not. The key was that I always trusted my intuition, before I knew the power of that phrase. I listened to myself. I tended to steer clear of fear infested propaganda. At first I would give such information the time of day, but I quickly learned the power of choosing to not let such information into my reality. It is a choice, after all. When you tune into your heart center and intuitive presence, the confirmations will come. You will notice synchronicities on the clock. You will think of a topic only to have a related article appear on your screen. You will suspect truth only to have your suspicions confirmed. And then you will start to truly trust yourself. Keep going.
As is true for the course of your spiritual journey, things do not always go as planned, and that is okay. Continue to surrender in each and every moment. Listen to your internal compass. Move forward. Just be. Be okay with where you are at. Surrender to your highest will and path, and take steps to make it a reality. Trust that if something is for the good of you, it is for the good of all. Stop, and pray in gratitude for all that you have and for how far you have come. Each small step is a victory. It is true that life is not about the destination. It is about the journey. It is about remembering who you are and rediscovering your purpose and your inner, deeply beautiful and radiating light. Life is to be cherished. I hope you never forget that.
All my love,